Why do people self-harm?
There are many reasons why people self-harm. Even for one person the motivation can vary. Some people do it as a way of expressing their distress, taking back control or escaping from situations they find troubling. Others may find it makes them ‘feel’ something when they are numb and devoid of all feelings. Some people find self-harm gives them a sense of relief.
Whatever the reason, self-harm is normally a sign that a person is feeling intense emotional pain and distress.
For young people, many stressful things (stressors) happen all at once. Not only are they dealing with changes to their bodies, they are trying to juggle demands they didn’t have when they were younger (such as study, work, relationships, being more independent and having more responsibility).
Stressors that may increase the risk of self-harm include:
family breakdown or conflict
relationship difficulties
knowing others who self-harm
having a family history of self-harm
being bullied
school or work problems
alcohol and drug abuse
past trauma, neglect or abuse.
How to Talk to Someone Who Self-Harms
Approaching someone who self-harms can be difficult, and it’s natural to feel unsure about what to say or do. However, offering support in a compassionate and non-judgmental way can make a big difference. If you don’t feel comfortable having the conversation alone, ask for help from someone you trust.
Starting the Conversation
Ask how they are feeling. A simple “How are you?” can open the door to deeper conversation.
Let them know you care. Express your concern by saying, “I’m here for you if you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
Be direct but gentle. You can say, “I’ve noticed you seem really down, and I just want to check in.”
Ask about suicidal thoughts. If you’re worried they may be suicidal, ask them directly. If they are, seek immediate support from a mental health professional or a crisis helpline.
Stay calm and listen. If they become defensive or upset, it may be because they feel ashamed or scared. Avoid judgment and offer a safe space to talk.
Encourage professional support. Suggest they reach out to a trusted GP, counselor, or mental health service.
Respect their boundaries. If they’re not ready to talk, let them know you’re available when they are.
The connection between self-harm and faking emotions often lies in the struggle to manage overwhelming inner pain while maintaining an outward appearance of being "okay." People who self-harm may feel the need to hide their true emotions due to fear of judgment, rejection, or not wanting to burden others. As a result, they might put on a mask, faking happiness or emotional stability while secretly battling deep distress.
Healing the Soul Alongside the Mind
In soul-centred psychotherapy, we acknowledge that self-harm is not just a mental health issue—it is a sign of deep spiritual and emotional wounds. When someone is in pain, their soul may feel disconnected, lost, or burdened by unresolved traumas. Healing from self-harm is not only about changing behaviors but also about reconnecting with the inner self, finding meaning, and restoring inner peace.
Encourage self-compassion and self-love as part of the healing process. Spiritual practices such as meditation, breathwork, energy healing, or simply spending time in nature can help someone rediscover their inner light. Remind them that they are not alone and that their soul is inherently whole, even if they feel broken at this moment.
Encouraging Professional Help
Many people who self-harm struggle to reach out for help due to fear, shame, or past negative experiences. If they are hesitant, offer to help them find resources or accompany them to an appointment. Recovery takes time, but every step forward is progress.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, don’t hesitate to contact a helpline or seek professional support. No one has to go through this alone. Healing is a journey, and through love, understanding, and spiritual connection, transformation is always possible.
